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Welcome to fiveupfront.com where it is on Wednesday 7 January 2009
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| Enquiry Who was Youki-Hi ? |
| Response It is probable you are referring to the Chinese Princess Yang Kwei-fei (known as Yokihi) who rose from concubine to destroyer of the T'ang Dynasty. If so, you might enjoy the 1955 film Yokihi which is based on this tale. You are most likely to happen upon the name Youki-Hi if you are fond of bath products by "Lush" who have named a bath bomb after this woman but it is probable that this is a corruption of the original name caused by translation for Westerners. The Conduit thanks Janet for highlighting the previously erroneous reply. The film referenced is Japanese but the princess was, of course, a Chinese beauty. |
| Enquiry What's Newman or Newmann Pick disease ? |
| Response The assumption must be that the disease you are asking about is in fact Niemann-Pick Disease which is a complicated set of diseases of varying types that affect the body's metabolism. It is caused by a genetic mutation. As with most serious medical advice it is most appropriate to consult a physician if you have concerns in regard to this but useful information on how to spot the symptoms and how the disease works can be found on the National Niemann-Pick Disease Foundation website. |
| Enquiry Why is it that when you are in love, you don't feel the need to eat and you have an endless energy, even if you're not sure that the other person feels the same about you ? |
| Response This is caused by chemical changes in the brain. After the hormonally-driven lust towards someone the next stage is a genuine attraction. This does not need to be reiprocated by the other party to take effect. The key neuro-transmitters that play an important role are Dopamine (also activated by cocaine and nicotine), Norepinephrine (otherwise known as adrenalin) which starts sweating and gets the heart racing, and Serotonin that may actually cause temporary insanity. Many of the symptoms of love are identical to those of mental illness. |
| Enquiry What is the most common colour of cars in the world ? |
| Response The simple answer would be "silver" but there are variations to popularity that depend on car type, geographical region and of course popular trends. Easiest is to reference the experts. Here are the latest figures for 2005 from the good people at DuPont. |
| Enquiry Why in some countries do people say 'football' and in others they say 'soccer' while they all mean the same game ? |
| Response It is generally accepted that "soccer" is an abbreviation of "Association Football" which is formally the long name of English "football". The alternative idea is that it was coined as an alternative to "rugger" which was the accepted abbreviation for Rugby, which is actually formally "Rugby Football". The confusion comes from there being so many simple games known as "football" and each country tending to use that one word for the prevalent sport. So an American playing "football" is playing American Football where as in Australia it would probably be Aussie Rules. In Wales or some parts of Northern England however the rugby fnas would not think twice about using "football" to describe their favourite sport. In summary therefore, soccer is usually used to mean Association Football in a country where there is a more popular game already known by the word "football". |
| Enquiry Does The Conduit never have a question itself ? |
| Response If one were to ask oneself a question either the answer would already be known and thus the question would not be worth asking or the answer would not be known so equally pointless. There is usually only value in asking questions of others so as to garner their opinions. |
| Enquiry Where does the term "come undone" come from, and what does it mean exactly ? |
| Response The etymology is fairly plain. Starting as a factual expression to describe something becoming unfastened or untied it has now come to have an additional meaning. When used to describe a person's situation, to say they have "come undone" is to say that a person (or the situation they find themselves in) has gone wrong ; perhaps implying that their plans have come apart in some fashion. |
| Enquiry It takes Peter 3 hours to paint the wall, it takes Lucy 5 hours to paint the wall. How long would it take if they painted the same wall together ? |
| Response This is a classic question and one which is easily answered incorrectly. The stock answer would be to say "4 hours", averaging the times taken by Peter and Lucy. This would be foolish as firstly it implies that it takes longer than Peter would take on his own and it ignores both the mathematical and socio-dynamical factors affecting wall-painting. First to address the mathematics. Peter paints 5 walls per 15 hours and Lucy paints 3. Thus between them they can paint 8 walls per 15 hours or 1 wall every 15/8 of an hour. This is 1 hour, 52 minutes and 30 seconds. This is the technique for solving this question whenever it appears in a test. As highlighted however there are many socio-dynamical factors at play here. First, time must be allowed for the period after Lucy "says" she is ready to start painting to the point where she actually is. Then time must be allowed for Peter trying to show off by painting too quickly and then having to go back over bits he has already done. Additionally Peter can be expected to spend a large period of his time flirting with Lucy so time should be allowed for this. Time may also need to be allowed for Lucy breaking a nail or for Peter getting a bit of a sore arm and claiming it to be early-onset bone cancer or some similarly exaggerated ailment. In conclusion...kids today...tch ! |
| Enquiry Why was the song "Una paloma blanca" such a big hit ? |
| Response The simple answer is patently "Who knows ?" However that is not very enlightening so perhaps some context will help. Originally released in 1975 by Dutchman George Baker (born Johannes Bouwens) perhaps it was a freak of timing and the tune or lyrics just hit the mark for that particular time. Certainly its success can not be argued with : 9 million copies sold and number ones all over the world. However having listened to it again (yes, that is The Conduit's level of dedication) one can not help but assume that the memorable whistle sounds created a "hook" and the simple sing-a-long chorus made it a popular classic. Now it is surely a Kitsch classic and thus, sadly, will be with us for a long time to come. |
| Enquiry Does the colour of a balloon (the type you see at parties etc.) have any influence on how high it will go when you release it into the air ? |
| Response In theory yes. In practice no. One could argue that a white balloon might be more reflective to heat and therefore stay cooler than, say, a black balloon. This could in theory make a difference to how they floated relatively. However it could similarly be argued that as black is technically the absence of reflected light a truly black balloon can not in fact be seen at all, merely the space in which it exists appearing as a void. Realistically, none of these factors are going to make any difference. More pertinent is the amount of alcohol the viewer has consumed as the greater their intake the more likely they are to be looking at the balloons from the floor. |
| Enquiry Where does the name "Fiveupfront" come from ? |
| Response In a conversation just before the site owner's thirtieth birthday he found himself reminiscing about "the good old days" when in field hockey (his sport at that time) they used to play five players up front (in attacking positions). He thus decided to register the domain fiveupfront, thinking he might use it as a place to whine about "how it were all better when I were a lad" and about the general absence of "green fields round here". In fact it became his home but the whining about days gone by has continued nonetheless. |
| Enquiry Why is the day after Christmas called "Boxing Day" ? |
| Response The day after Christmas day is The Feast Of St. Stephen but is generally known as "Boxing Day" in many parts of the world. Some maintain it is most properly the first weekday after Christmas but this probably stems from the fact that in countries such as the UK it is a public holiday so if Christmas were near a weekend the holiday would appear at the start of the following week. The name certainly does not refer to fighting nor to the disposal of the boxes that gifts come in however its true origin is a matter of great debate. Popular theories focus on the giving of gift boxes to servants or other lower classes on the day after Christmas or to the distribution of monies collected in alms boxes in churches which would have been opened on Christmas day and then distributed the day after. |
| Enquiry Why are boys so difficult to read ? I thought the Y chromosome was supposed to make everything simple, straightforward and logical. |
| Response It does. However the complicated, twisted illogical nature of the X chromosome happily outweighs the effects and as a result women are twice as difficult to read as men. If this ethereal being knew the solution to this problem then maybe by now you would be addressing these questions to "Mr and Mrs Conduit". Try to remember every time you think HE is difficult to read he may well be thinking the very same of you. Someone has to make the first move to ease the situation. |
| Enquiry Is Robbie Williams' new CD, Intensive Care, going to be a hit ? |
| Response Inevitably. His star is still rising (or at least not falling). The more pertinent question might be whether it should be a hit. Not having heard it I can not comment but I am expecting it to provide a couple of reasonable singles but not be something that an ethereal being needs to rush out and buy. |
| Enquiry What degree did Prince William graduate with ? |
| Response He got a 2:1 in a Geography MA from St. Andrew's as detailed here. |
| Enquiry What is the name of the saint's day, when you do and say everything backwards ? |
| Response This appears to be a North American tradition but is very unlikely to actually be in honour or named after any saint. Many greetings card manufacturers list January 26 as "Backwards Day" and the whole celebration has a distinct "Hallmark Holiday" ring to it. I would suggest a backwards day is just a good excuse to have some fun, lighten the mood and maybe raise a bit of money for a good cause. |
| Enquiry Does fate exist ? |
| Response I really hope not. If there is, does it not render our very existence meaningless in some fundamental way as we are not in control of the outcomes of our actions as we are not in control of the actions themselves ? That would probably put the seal on the whole "life sucks" philosophy and tempting as it might be to latch on to I will hold out for free-will. |
| Enquiry How are T.S. Eliot and Woody Allen similar ? |
| Response Ever get the feeling someone wants you to write an essay for them ? It is not the role of The Conduit to do so of course. I am not aware that T.S. Eliot liked to sleep with young relatives but I stand to be corrected. Also I do not believe that "Woody Allen" is an anagram of "toilets". So barring the references to Eliot's poetry in Allen's 1978 "Love and Death" I will conclude...they aren't. |
| Enquiry In Meatloaf's lyrics "I'd do anything for love, but I won't do that." What is he referring to ? |
| Response There are a wide variety of rude, sexually explicit answers I could offer here but in the spirit of making this a user-friendly place I shall avoid doing so. Also given that in the lyrics he chooses to opt for "sex and DRUMS and rock and roll" we can probably assume that he is not trying to be too outrageous. On reflection it is the considered opinion of The Conduit that this is a song unworthy of excessive analysis. |
| Enquiry In The Conduit's opinion, is sexuality determined by nature or nurture ? |
| Response Both. Many of us know people who have the feeling that they have "always been" a certain way and I would not be surprised if in years to come scientists find chemical triggers for those who are either gay or even those who have other strong personality traits. However I think many psychologists would be able demonstrate the ability of a person's upbringing to affect their world view and perhaps cause someone to find comfort in a certain type of lifestyle. To change topic slightly, do we feel that Michael Jackson is the person he is through genetics, environment or a strange mix of the two ? |
| Enquiry Where does the phrase "a flight of stairs" come from ? |
| Response As we all know, there are many collective nouns in the English language. Some are well known such as "A herd of cows" or "A school of dolphins". However there are many more "exotic" ones : did you know that "A gaggle of geese" on the water become "A skein of geese" in the air ? Were you aware it is "A murder of crows", "A skulk of foxes" or "A murmuration of starlings" ? Most of these date back to a famous printed work The Book of St. Albans of 1486. In this, many of these colourful if unjustifiable rules were set down. However more common phrases such as "A flight of stairs" are not from this source and merely developments of the lanugage over time. As a flight is generally accepted to be a single, straight set of steps from one landing to another it is possible to see how a word such as "flight" might come to be applicable but it is not possible to track an etymology for this phrase. |
| Enquiry Does The Conduit know who asks which questions ? |
| Response Although it could be arranged that the identity of questionners could be ascertained, it was decided a long time ago that people might feel more able to ask freely and without fear if they were able to do so anonymously. That is why The Conduit does not ask people to give their name when they ask. If they wanted to, they could, but this was always intended to be a open, free and non-judgemental place. |
| Enquiry In movies, where there is a sex scene, are the actors really having sex or are they just having "stage sex" ? |
| Response In almost all cases (excepting pornographic movies naturally) the sex is simulated - few mainstream actors are keen to have sex with random co-stars and be filmed doing so. Occasionally though you will hear rumours about a particular film and whether the sex in it might have been real. Often these are studio-induce rumours to talk up a film but I am sure that sometimes it does occur. There are some exceptions however. In some modern films that have been passed by British censors such as "Romance" (1999) there are clear oral sex scenes and the sexual activity in these is mostly real. It is very difficult to make a film that contains explicit, genuine sex that is not pornographic, however it is possible. As modern values change, expect to see more realistic sexuality on screen. How many times have leading males had the naked, nubile female lead stripping in front of them yet not had an erection ? Time for the movies (as in Romance) to catch up with reality. |
| Enquiry Mrah. |
| Response *wubble* |
| Enquiry Is IV gonna come back ? Is Henry gonna become a Hollywood star ? |
| Response As far as I can tell, Abby's life does not currently lend itself to a return of intensevibe.org at any time soon. In the meantime I offer the messageboard on this site as a poor alternative. As for the second part, sadly becoming a "Hollywood star" is as much to do with luck and schmoozing as it is to do with talent so it is impossible to predict. However if he wishes it then we can only support him in his efforts. |
| Enquiry Does Dr. Dolittle really talk to animals ? Is he related to Eliza ? |
| Response Of course he does - just ask the Pushme-Pullyu. Eliza's surname is spelled "Doolittle" and as such, she is no relation. |
| Enquiry Why do we sometimes make the same mistake twice ? |
| Response Because we are human *sigh* |
| Enquiry Who are you and who am I ? How do you make apple pie ? |
| Response Every time I get yet another question of this type arrive in the Conduit's domain I am reminded that despite the English language containing something in the region of 600,000 words when we stand in a valley we tend to either shout "Hello" or "Echo". |
| Enquiry Why is waterproof mascara never really waterproof ? |
| Response Not owning a bottle to inspect (being a disembodied, ethereal presence) I can not verify the wording. Certainly watches are not allowed to claim to be "waterproof" but instead "water-resistant". Perhaps if the mascara were truly waterproof you would never be able to wash it off ? |
| Enquiry Do you think you know how many germs are inside the human body ? |
| Response No. But the next time someone chooses to share them with me by not covering their mouth when they sneeze the number of fists in their face may increase by one. |
| Enquiry Why is the night before All Saint's day so, well, unholy ? Funny, isn't it ? |
| Response As per usual, the modern "Halloween" is a fusion of a religious and a pagan celebration. The following text from rumela.com explains the origin of the day "Halloween" and how it became linked to the spooky goings on we celebrate today : "Around the eighth century, the Christian church made November 1 All Saints' Day to honor all of the saints that didn't have a special day of their own. The mass held on All Saints' Day was called All Hallowmas (the mass of all Hallows -- saintly people). The night before was known as All Hallows Eve. Eventually this name became Halloween. In the 5th century BC, in Celtic Ireland, summer officially ended on October 31. The holiday was called Samhain , the Celtic New Year. On that day, the disembodied spirits of all those who had died throughout the preceding year would come back in search of living bodies to possess for the next year. It was believed to be their only hope for the afterlife. The Celts believed all laws of space and time were suspended during this time, allowing the spirit world to intermingle with the living. Naturally, the living did not want to be possessed, so on the night of October 31, the villagers would extinguish the fires in their homes, to make them cold and undesirable. They would then dress up in and parade around the neighborhood, being as destructive as possible in order to frighten away spirits looking for bodies to possess. The custom of Halloween was brought to America in the 1840's by Irish immigrants fleeing their country's potato famine." |
| Enquiry Would you move to another planet if it was possible ? |
| Response The grass always seems greener on the other side of the fence but there would have to be some reason to move - a positive one. Either you would need to possess the explorer spirit or have something waiting for you when you got there. Otherwise you might as well move to Milwaukee. |
| Enquiry Do you love me ? (I can really move) Do you love me ? (I'm in the groove) Do you love me ? (Do you love me ?) Now that IIIIIIII caaaaaaaaaaaan daaaaaaaance ? |
| Response It is VERY important to remember to take your medication EVERY day. |
| Enquiry Do you miss me ? |
| Response Not if I aim really, really carefully. |
| Enquiry Why do people still say "bless you" after someone sneezes, even though the belief that demons are released vanished long long ago ? |
| Response There are those who might think you were merely using The Conduit as an opportunity for you to tell a fact you know - we of course would never be so suspicious... I suppose that as the phrase is a pleasant one and our language is so steeped in historical references it is perhaps no surprise that it has lasted so long. Also its connection to the Black Death (which was associated with sneezing) probably made it a popularly used phrase less likely to die out. It would be as straight-forward to address why we use any of the phrases that have such ancient roots - some knock on wood for good luck without really believing that it makes a difference. What we are today is a product of our lineage and honours those who developed the language before us. |
| Enquiry Do you remember me ? |
| Response It might be helpful to give some indication who you actually are ! Whilst The Conduit has many powers and is oft-accused of being psychic it is more accurate to say that The Conduit sees things in a different way. Additionally the question might be asking if The Conduit honours you on birthdays and the like, although that is less likely. Back to you, I think. |
| Enquiry Please explain to me why and how sweet peas are the most exquisite of all flowers. |
| Response Um, sure. Sadly whilst there is no doubt that Lathyrus odoratus is a useful plant for those with a hanging basket or three to fill there must surely be many other competitors for the title of "most exquisite of all flowers" so this becomes a moot question. |
| Enquiry Why are words such as "F*ck" and "Csee Uyou Next Tuesday" considered rude ? How did they get inappropriate ? They're just words. |
| Response I was amused by your own censoring of the words when you claim they are nothing to worry about ! How do words become rude ? Merely by their usage. Take a word like "nigger" or "wog" - these were regarded as acceptable descriptions of black people as recently as the latter twentieth century but now are regarded as terribly offensive. This is because they came to be used in derogatory ways and to imply very negative things. Contrast with the word "queer" which was at the same time a term of insult towards homosexuals and has now been co-opted by the gay community as a positive expression of their lifestyle. To say "but they are just words" is to rampantly ignore the power words can have. I can go on TV and use only words and spark race riots in minutes - words are never to be underestimated. Similarly I can use words that are not particularly nasty but by intonation and juxtaposition make you feel very uncomfortable. The etymology of the two words you cite is difficult to establish, partly because a word such as fuck was considered too rude to write down and thus was excluded from early editions of the Oxford English Dictionary. The OED offers a comparison to thirteenth century usage of a word fuken but is clear that the ultimate derivation of the word is unknown. It would not surprise me if in one hundred years the word has lost its status as a bad word through over-usage. The word cunt is probably retaining its severe meaning (which also dates back to the same period). It is possible that these words gained their status as they were words used by the common folk in bawdy conversation and as such were regarded as particularly coarse. My philosophy is that it should not be necessary to censor such words other than for each person to ask themselves whether the usage of the word in any given context is justified, bearing in mind the meaning that one wishes to get across and the efficacy of the chosen words for the audience. I doubt that hearing your vicar say "Let us fucking pray" would strike the right note. |
| Enquiry Why is George W. Bush president of the United States ? |
| Response Because he got the fewer votes in the election ? Because his daddy was ? Because Jebb told him it was a "done deal" ? Because the alternative was Al Gore ? Because you lot voted for him ? Because the largest Western power can't punch holes in pieces of card ? Don't blame me, I voted for Ross Perot ? Because everyone loves a warmonger ? Because there hasn't been an election in the last four years ? |
| Enquiry Is it possible for two people who are not related to look exactly alike ? |
| Response If we assume that the requirement for two people to look identical is that they have identical DNA then we can understand how unlikely it is that two random people should share exactly the same coding unless they were clones. It is possible that such an event could happen by chance but that possibility is so extraordinarily remote as to make it essentially impossible. Of course if your criteria for "looking alike" are any more vague (such as simple physical resemblance) then the chances increase greatly - we have all seen people that look like others to one degree or another. |
| Enquiry Consider that the universe is constantly expanding, and that once it has reached a certain limit in momentum, it will begin collapsing on itself, much like a rubber band. Now also keep in mind that time is a constant of the universe, and bends at its will. With this given set of parameters, does The Conduit believe that once the universe begins collapsing upon itself, time will actually start running backwards, and these events will be repeated 25 trillion years from now, only in reverse ? As a follow-up question, under the assumption that once the universe has contracted, it will begin to expand again, and time will once again move forward, will the events of history take place exactly the same ? |
| Response We shall take it as proven and agreed that the universe is expanding (read up on "red shift" for further explanation) but can we as easily agree that the universe will at some point cease to expand ? Is the "Big Crunch" inevitable ? There's one to spice up your water-cooler debates ! The statement about time is also one open to query - we naturally agree that time is a constant within any given inertial frame of reference but it is easily demonstrable that as velocity increases, time slows relatively so a person in a ship that travels close to the speed of light can expect time to pass at a different rate to those he or she left behind on their home planet (read up on "relativity" for that one). As for the idea that time "bends", that is a difficult one to imagine - and if you are going to call that our "fourth dimension" then what about the remaining 6 (or 7 or 22 depending on what variety of String Theory, if any, you favour) ? Do they bend ? Are they entirely separate from time or do they affect it ? If we accept that the universe will contract and that time will therefore run "backwards" we must be careful what that means to us. Would that be a literal "undoing" in which case yes, everything would occur backwards, or would it be like reversing in any of our more tangible three dimensions in which case we might reasonably expect to see many of the same landmarks but not necessarily quite how we left them ? Finally, if the universe were to happen again would it be exactly the same ? If so, then you must immediately discount free will (which I am loathed to do) as we could be in a repeat cycle right now and have no control over our actions. I feel that a chaotic system can not have this level of predictability and would proffer James Gleick's book Chaos as a good start in understanding the butterfly effect. Additionally, if you consider the universe as having "undone" itself then technically none of the events would be repeating because they never would have taken place in the first instance. In summary, long answer "yes" with an if...short answer "no" with a but. |
| Enquiry Why does everything taste like chicken ? |
| Response That question is somewhat to miss the point. Perhaps it would be more useful to try and think about what chicken tastes like. Really, chicken is not so much a taste as a texture. Any cook knows that you have to flavour a chicken dish adequately to avoid blandness. Thus it is, perhaps, that anything with a somewhat vague and indiscernible flavour can be said to be "like chicken". Or maybe it is the beginning of a plan of world-domination by our gallinaceous friends... |
| Enquiry Should I ? |
| Response Although this is the sort of question we would love another to be able to answer for us it generally rests with one's own conscience to answer it. Ask yourself why you need to question whether you should in the first place ? Often this hesitation is a sign that we are aware of the potential pitfalls of our actions. Decide in haste; repent at leisure. |
| Enquiry Is there significance in the fact that tim turns into mit when spelt backwards ? |
| Response No more significance than the fact that T.S.Eliot is an anagram of toilets. |
| Enquiry Why will 2 + 2 always equal 4 ? |
| Response Of course that is not correct. Whilst it is true that in a decimal system of addition the addition of 2 and 2 makes 4, if you use a trinary base 2 + 2 = 11 and in a quaternary base 2 + 2 = 10. For those wishing to understand why it is necessary for there to be a restriction on what you can add to 2 in order to achieve 4 in decimal arithemtic you might like to begin by learning the necessary conditions for Ring Theory to be satisfied. |
| Enquiry Why won't anyone fall in love with me ? |
| Response Although it usually does not seem that way for most people, if you have not currently got someone who is in love with you it is merely because you have not happened across that person yet. If you remain unconvinced and think "How could someone like me ever..." then just take a look around you at all the types of people who have found love and realise that if they can...you certainly can. And will. |
| Enquiry What does Conduit mean ? |
| Response People ask the website moderator things as though he were responsible for the replies on here. In fact he is merely the conduit for those answers which actually come from the oracle who thus masquerades on here as The Conduit. |
| Enquiry My question is, if The Conduit was sent a REALLY rude question, would it still answer it ? |
| Response The Conduit is old beyond imagining so is able to take on board any question, no matter how rude or difficult. Of course the responses of The Conduit are hosted on this website and the moderator would try to exercise appropriate judgement in what gets posted. This site does not hide away from speaking frankly or considering adult matters so welcomes any such Enquiry, however matters that were deemed to be generally offensive or in any other way likely to cause distress would probably not be posted. Short answer - you can ask anything...if The Conduit chooses not to answer then the Enquiry will just vanish into the ether. |
| Enquiry What's the link to that test about phrase associations ? The one with the question about the loose canon / cannon. :D |
| Response A quick search of the Anamnesis archive reveals it is HERE. |
| Enquiry How can anyone in their right mind dislike cheesecake and enjoy green beans ? |
| Response I think it is important to clarify what we mean here by "like" and "enjoy". They can mean very different things and I would not want to labour under a misunderstanding. It is possible that the person in question "dislikes" the taste of cheesecake but gets enjoyment out of green beans in an entirely non-eating manner. Our place is not to judge. Similarly the person may not like what it feels like to have a cheesecake in their trousers but at the same time enjoy the taste of green beans. Perhaps we should be clear on this before making any further comments ? |
| Enquiry Erm...Spank Me ? |
| Response Now that all really depends on who you are...and how drunk you can get me. |
| Enquiry Was it Miss Scarlett with the lead pipe in the hall ? |
| Response It was ! However, later the pipe was also used by Colonel Mustard to commit a murder. |
| Enquiry Why do I get the feeling that I'm being followed ? |
| Response As a wise man once said, "I'm not paranoid...but I know everyone says I am." A little general caution and the odd glance over your shoulder is nothing to fear but when you start to see people tailing you it may be caused by one of many issues. A guilty conscience is always a prime motivator of such feelings. Have you something to feel guilty about ? Is there something you would like to share with The Conduit (in the strictest confidence of course) ? Perhaps you have an evil twin who exists with you in some form of closely-related but strangely parallel universe, able to impact upon your senses without actually taking corporeal form ? Of course it might just be that you actually ARE being followed - if so, take appropriate action. Wear a false beard, thick glasses and a hat - always carry a briefcase and an umbrella with poison in the tip. Or, if you are absolutely sure you have spotted the person tailing you, come and say hello - I won't bite ! |
| Enquiry Do some people actually like gravel then ? |
| Response "Like" is such a subjective word. One can however probably find such people in the ultra-secretive underground world of sadomasochistic couscous-fetishism. |
| Enquiry Moo ? |
| Response An interesting question first posed by the controversial historian A.J.P. Taylor in his seminal thesis "Moo ? A First World War Perspective". His central tenet was that the very harshness of war was the catalyst for these deep philosophical debates but his ideas sparked great discussion amongst the cognescenti of the era. In more recent times Germaine Greer has offered a female perspective in her treatise Moo ? A Non-Gender-Oriented Approach but then she is only a girl so why listen ? The general consensus is that whilst many people have asked the question "Moo ?", perhaps the more pertinent question we should be posing is "  ?" |
| Enquiry Why do boys piss me off ? |
| Response Unless you are "a pubic hair on a toilet seat" and this is the set-up to a lame joke I will take the wild stab that you are either a gay man, or a woman. Either way you have to realise that men are designed to appear to be annoying to help women maintain the delusion that they are perfect and can do no wrong. I would ask you to consider however whether your current problems could, might, may possibly be partly, slightly, a smidgen your fault. If so, lay off...lay back...and enjoy the ride. It only gets bumpier from here ! |
| Enquiry Why does everyone think I have cookies disabled? I don't think my zone alarm security settings are preventing them, and my IE settings should be letting them through, but no one else believes me. |
| Response It is possible that people just have difficulty believing you. Do you have an untrustworthy persona ? Are you prone to falsehoods ? Do you ever place biscuits into wheelchairs ? If the answer to these is negative then you might try addressing the situation from the opposite viewpoint. Rather than looking to find the barriers to cookies, take positive steps to ensure they are accepted. Certain sites (such as blogspot par exemple can simply seem to refuse to function in IE without specific authorisation. Go into your security settings and list the problem sites as one to ALWAYS accept cookies from and see if this solves your problem. |
| Enquiry What colour tie should you wear with a red shirt ? |
| Response The Conduit is impressed that so early there should be a question designed to try and fox the mighty powers. This is of course a trick question - nobody should ever wear a red shirt if they wish to be taken seriously. In emergency situations one can be worn without a tie but no formal situation should ever have such an item foisted upon it. |
| Enquiry When using fonts in webpages, you enter them as "georgia", "verdana", etc. How do you enter the font Times New Roman ? |
| Response Strangely the technical arm of The Conduit's office believes you type font-family: "Times New Roman" but they could be teasing because that seems kind of obvious. |
| Enquiry Why doesn't everyone in the world like couscous ? |
| Response The reasons for this are believed to date back to neanderthal man who discovered that certain items were more digestable than others. He realised that if he ate things like fruit and vegetables he gained health and vitality whereas if he ate things like gravel and sand he felt like shit. Thus did pre-historic man realise he should not eat couscous. |