|
|
Janet
|
| Real Name : | Janet |
| |
| Date Of Birth : | 5 April 1984 |
| |
| Location : | Toronto, Canada |
| |
| Nationality : | Canadian |
| |
|
| The Past |
| Janet was born in a cave in China in 1984, or as it is known in the traditional Chinese calendar
The Year of the Heffalump. She rapidly suffered from her inability to grasp even the basic tenets
of the local language and in a vain attempt to allow her to fit in her parents sent her to Canada.
UPS sent her back for insufficient postage. |
| As a young girl Janet was fond of athletics, learning to ice-skate (as is the cultural right of every
Canadian) and also taking part in school Track and Field events. Her pursuits changed drastically when her
deprived upbringing caused her to suffer a serious injury. For Janet's parents had kept her away from the
cartoons that most youngsters watch and thus it was that whilst competing in the school long jump she was unaware
that if you stand on the head of a rake it will spring up and smack you in the face. Any indigenous North
American would have been alert to this hackneyed pratfall but Janet was blissfully unaware. One fears the
injuries of that day have scarred her for life. |
| In her teen years, having moved to Texas to pursue a happier life of guns, red meat and even redder necks,
Janet managed to get transferred from the Houston Home For Wayward Juveniles and won a
coveted place at Miss Uppingham's College For Gentile Ladies where she won the magna cum kiss-ass
honour two years in a row. Eventually Janet graduated with an SAT score of 1601 but after pressure from a
nervous US scholastic system this was reduced on appeal and she was forbidden to study further in the
country's educational establishments. Janet fled back north. |
| The Present |
| The lack of efficient extradition procedures has allowed Janet to settle in Toronto where she currently
"studies" at the University and regularly changes her name and her course to keep the authorities off her scent.
She is a key member of the College Dramatic Society and has played numerous roles ranging from "Vivian" in
Pretty Woman to "Christine Keeler" in The Profumo Affair. She also works hard behind the scenes
and often has late night sessions of "set construction" when she finds plenty of opportunities to joust
playfully with the other crew members about who she might be "banging" with on any given evening. |
| Janet's studies in English move on apace and it is anticipated that by the end of her four years at this
fine institution she may actually become the first North American to speak for an entire day without having
to intersperse her sentences with the conjunction "like". Whatever. |
| The Future |
| After graduation, Janet has expressed a desire to marry the grandfather of Henry Cavill but realising
this may not happen has various fall-back plans. Understandably Janet's mother is an important role-model
and she hopes that one day she might draw favourable comparison with this strong family figurehead. To
this end Janet plans to allow her strong maternal instincts to reign supreme and hopes to have a large
family. The prospect of screaming children everywhere holds no fear for this young lady. |
| If this scenario is not forthcoming Janet has considered pandering to her affection for fire-escapes
and joining the Toronto Fire Services but feels that she is more likely to mark time as a guide
at the Royal Ontario Museum, a place that she feels very strongly about. |
| Whatever the future might hold Janet has determined that she will live by the phrase that is to govern
her choices and actions from here : "Never say never". |
| Quotes |
| "My english teacher got a new camera and decided he wanted to have some fun..." |
| "Okay, I'll be your bit of fluff...*sigh* that's what I've always wanted...to be an old man's bit of fluff." |
| "I look (and sound) like a retard." |
| "My friends and I were joking one night, that we should go down to one of the gay bars and go strip... see
how many guys we could 'turn back on our side'." |
| "A little bit thicker...a little bit harmful for me..." |
| "It was good to be a girl because if you just smile real big, people will let you do things..." |
| "No ? You know I have a problem with that word." |
| "So why do women have to be so complicated ?" |
| "I want to marry him and have my babies with him. Yep, that's my dream." |
| "I mean, I'd want to talk to me." |
| "Thirteen inches ? That's all I can handle." |
| "I'm imagining you wearing a gas mask." |
| Comments / Stories |
| Tim : "All of you familiar with the tearful ending to Brief Encounter will know that truly, parting is such
sweet sorrow. Thus it was that as I bade farewell to Janet as she alighted from my taxi it was almost as if
a misty gauze descended upon our very being. Perhaps it was a result of this poor visibility that Janet failed
to see the large set of roadworks at the side of the road and proceeded to tumble arse-over-tit through the
warning signs and into the hole in the road. For sure, never has the emotion of sympathy been so intrinsically
entwined with the desire to wet oneself laughing." |
| (if you would like to contribute a comment about Janet please
me and tell me your story) |
|
