I need to be careful today. My mood is off and I am feeling snarky. I can tell, even though I have not interacted with others, because I am being snarky in my head.
Most of the day I am running conversations or scenarios through my mind in a constant whirl of pretend interactions. It is exhausting. But it is what I do. I saw a clip earlier of Chloe Grace Moretz explaining how she lied about her country of origin to book her first film role and I have been chuntering to myself about how the American studio audience insisted on applauding all the wrong parts of the story. We knew she booked the role, it was many years ago, this is not the point of the story, so don’t applaud that bit. Whoo ! Yeah !
See ? Snarky.
I know I was in this sort of mood yesterday and it is worse after a foul night of disrupted sleep. At one point I opened the front door to let the insistent dog out, and collapsed on his kitchen dog bed. After a few minutes I worried that my little gate might not have been closed so went outside to check on him. The young dog was standing out there looking daft and confused, and the old dog had gone back and was fast asleep on my bed upstairs ! He is a rascal !
Yesterday I tried to find if someone I only vaguely know online had a public email address. I wanted to gift them an inexpensive PC game so they could consider playing it on Twitch. Someone chipped in with a comment (that I took to mean) was suggesting I was after that email to perhaps make some move on her. Because, as I repeatedly chuntered to myself, that’s the key to success with a woman less than half your age. Even though I could message her through Discord or Twitch chat, if I got the email address I was a shoo-in. Muppet. I have to decide how to handle the interaction between myself and this young fellow going forward.
Now I’m wondering if I can track the snark back at all because I feel like I was already ready to be irritated at that point. Ah yes ! Consulting my home CCTV has helped jog my memory. I knew I was playing Minecraft yesterday and getting a bit annoyed at the stupid characters throwing themselves in holes, but I wouldn’t normally get so vexed. I realise the start of this was probably the work I did in the early afternoon.
My boss asked me to help craft a letter regarding someone who had provided a poor service. As a result I familiarised myself with what had been promised versus what had been delivered and then wrote a firm but fair letter asking for nothing more than a refund for time not yet spent on the project. While I was out walking the dogs I saw a message on my watch and thought it had been resolved but when I got back in, I realised it had not. Then while I was gaming I found out the person had sent a reply in which they tried to turn the blame round on others, deny their performance was entirely inadequate, and basically blame everyone else for their own shitty business practices. I think it was this, and knowing that the good people were going to have to take a further hit just to make the whole thing go away, that tipped me into my poor mood.
I have always suffered badly when I feel things aren’t fair, and you can read that in reports from people dealing with me at a very young age. Life isn’t fair and I don’t like that, and as an adult it pains me that still it tends to be the thick, violent, and couldn’t-give-a-shit-about-others that tend to do best.
So I think that is what started me down that path and by early evening I knew I wasn’t in a good place. I did my usual curative ritual – sleep. A three-hour nap later I felt much more even. However I knew and still know that the snark is not far below the surface, so I need to manage my encounters today.