Why am I so (trying to find the right word) irritated / upset / crushed / deflated (that’s the one) to have my messages overlooked on a random Twitch stream ? It isn’t personal, the streamer is just busy, but it really pushes some button deep in my soul. Partly it seems unfair every time someone else’s message is seen but mine isn’t, and partly it is that sense of exclusion you feel when others are part of something and you feel like an outsider. I am entirely aware this isn’t rational nor a proportionate reaction to what has occurred,


A friend of mine was telling me that I was better than a hole in the ground full of water. A deep hole. With a bucket. He meant well. It’s an old joke, and very much one of my high calibre. But it illustrates something I’ve just experienced. A friend has said that she has faith I will sort out what I need ahead of my photoshoot next week. She said : “I know you will make it work. You are a perfectionist !” This is obviously meant to be a very encouraging comment, reminding me that I tend to strive


I need to be careful today. My mood is off and I am feeling snarky. I can tell, even though I have not interacted with others, because I am being snarky in my head. Most of the day I am running conversations or scenarios through my mind in a constant whirl of pretend interactions. It is exhausting. But it is what I do. I saw a clip earlier of Chloe Grace Moretz explaining how she lied about her country of origin to book her first film role and I have been chuntering to myself about how the American studio audience insisted

This is probably when I should be blogging – when my mind is a bit frazzled. So although I really want to be in bed right now, I am going to quickly type this. At this moment I am not sure how I feel. Not bad, certainly, maybe just a little “off”. I was trying to watch a Twitch stream but it didn’t go the way I wanted it to. At some point I need to reflect upon whether that was genuinely a problem, or whether it is unsurprising that a stream run by and for 20 year-olds doesn’t gel


I don’t know if I should call the dentist. You might reasonably ask how that could be – either one needs to or one does not. My situation is complicated by my frequent use of painkillers. Do I take them too often ? Undoubtedly. Do I have a problem ? Officially, no. Yes, I actually looked up the internationally accepted descriptions for those with dependencies on substances and I’m actually way short of the lines at this stage. But that’s not really the issue here. No, I take them because things hurt. My jaw (TMJ pain), my joints (arthritis), my

Okay, I have two good example of “me” and how I behave to share. I’ll do them as separate posts. For this one, know that a friend just shared a video with me. It wasn’t until I typed that that I realised the significance of that very first statement. The sharing of the clip was a sign of friendship but I had glossed past that onto a frequent worry of mine. I saw the clip and realised that it showed another friend at the first person’s house. This poked the part of me that says “Why do I not get

Today I have spent money. It won’t come back to bite me for a few weeks but I can debate it now. First was at the vets. I’m not going to be silly with spending on my dog, but within reason, he gets whatever he needs. So he had a blood test today because the vet wants one very six months to check the pills aren’t hurting him. He also got refills of one part of his medicine. I am happy to pay…but no more than I feel is necessary. The blood test costs money, I get that. It has


Nice day. England won the cricket; I cleaned the living room while they did so, so I feel good about that; dogs had a marvellous meet-up with friends as always. So let’s think about a tiny speck that rubs under my psyche all too often. Are other people having a better time than me ? When I’m chatting to people with whom I am friendly (that’s as much as I’m usually willing to say) I hear them talk about times in recent days when they have met up with others I know. Clearly I have no reasonable expectation to be

If I want this blog to be useful, I need to document my highs and my lows. I know that I have had a couple of low thoughts over the last couple of days (I mean not so cheery, nothing worse than that) but I also felt those were transitory. I don’t want to give them unnecessary focus by sitting and writing a blog post about them, if they are nothing more than a passing “I wish SHE was my wife…” kind of thing when Emily Blunt is on TV. Because that’s just silly. Don’t worry – I’m sure the

Lovely morning walking with friends. Dogs playing nicely and a bonus 11-week-old German Shepherd puppy with fluff you wouldn’t believe. I did come away with a slight nagging thought though. I felt like I was “trying”. What I mean is that I could reflect upon conversations that were too speedy or comments that were too plentiful or stories that were too involved and in each case, I wonder if I was making too much of an effort to be the life and soul. Now I don’t know that anyone else there would have picked up on it, at least consciously,